Friday, October 11, 2013

I used to know this guy

Seriously. If it's not him... I know him anyway.

Here's the deal, kids:
This is a Jeep Cherokee.  This is not a luxury SUV, or a maintenance-free disposable import.  It has solid front axles, wind noise, and character.
It's a Jeep.  It rides like a Jeep.  It drives like a Jeep.  All of these are GOOD things.
It is not new, it is not pristine, it is used.  This will be apparent in the pictures.

If you do not own a toolbox, have never changed your own oil, and are scared of firearms: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you have been posting on facebook all about how excited you are for pumpkin latte season: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you get offended easy and often, whine to your co-workers, and bitch a lot: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you feel you are owed anything in the world & have a bullshit job where you fail to produce: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you own a bieber album, white oakleys, affliction t-shirts, or those candy-assed stitched-pocket jeans: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you consider the 2nd Amendment an anachronistic relic and have never owned a firearm: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.

 If, however, you have BALLS OF STEEL and consider adverse weather an excuse to do stupid shit: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.
Do you laugh at danger, and tempt fate? 
Have you ever uttered the words, "Hold my beer and watch this ..."?
While bored at work do you pick targets at random and think, "I could hit that from here with the .22 ..."?
Have any of your friends quit hanging out because you were too much fun?
Do you have the number of a friend with cash memorized for bail?
When you pass an abandoned flatbed farm truck along a fenceline do you consider taking on another project?
Is your ol' lady really sick of the random piles of parts, greasy footprints, and empty beer bottles in the garage?
    -could you not care less?
Do you have Jalopnik saved on your laptop AND smartphone?
Do you own a service manual for every vehicle you ever owned?
Do you still miss your first ride?
Can you carry on a two hour conversation discussing tools, scars, and hi-lift jacks?
Remember when tool companies had the balls to put half-naked beauty queens on their calendars?


  1. Predictably, some limp wrist flagged the posting for removal, presumably because they belong in the group that the Jeep is not for.

  2. He has a follow up.
    Copied for your amusement.

    The Cheap Jeep Sold! And I am conflicted ...

    First of all: you people are all insane. In a really cool way.
    The obnoxious ad for a beloved XJ took off like a deadbeat dad and ran amuck via internet like bad porn. I had NO idea things would get out of hand like that.

    Second: I appreciate the hell out of all the threats of violence, poorly-written critiques, carnal propositions, questioning of my mechanical expertise, and humbling praise. The response to my rambling nonsense has been terrifyingly entertatining.

    Third: I have no idea why CraigsList pulled the ad. It may have been the right-wing hate speech, it may have been the profanity, it may have been anti-redneck discrimination.
    It may have been the traffic. You folks posted that ad on forums, newspapers, facebook, porn chat rooms, AA support groups, sex offender registries ... insanity.
    It may have even been the fact the super-adorable and scary-smart Dana Loesch retweeted a link to the ad Friday night - and killed CL servers.
    Ms. Loesch has 157,000 followers on Twitter. Two minutes after she tweeted the ad it was pulled.
    I would have been more pissed, but I was three Guinness in on a weekend bender and just didn't give two shits.

    By Saturday morning when the above-pictured hoodlums arrived to pick up the Jeep my hangover was subsiding, my asshole friends were drinking again, and my Jeep was off to a new loving supportive home.

    So yeah; the folks who adopted The Cheap Jeep fit the bill. Complete and total gearheads incapable of douche behavior. Jeep aficionados. Rock crawlers. Off-roaders. Welders. Fabricators. Rednecks. Good kids. I hated to see it go, but they'll give the little beast the attention it deserves.

    In closing: Thanks, Weirdoes. That was fun.

    Also, one last note:
    Assbag in Edmond, OK who I hung up on. Twice: Yes, I was serious when I told you couldn't have my Jeep. And no, we didn't get cut off. I hung up. Twice. And yes; that was the 'F' word I yelled at you just before promising to do all those terrible things to your family. I have your number. Edmond is a small town. I get bored a lot. I have no conscience ...


  3. Every time I see an old Cherokee on the road, I eyeball it with envy. I don't want luxury and comfort. I want a big box with an engine and 4WD. Someday...